"it" just moved
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Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I am puke
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
This is not my ceiling
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Plan B is the new Plan A
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
My first STD was from a foam party
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