I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
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