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You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I queefed so loud it echoed.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her
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