We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
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