I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
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marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
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