so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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