You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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