Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
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