Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
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