Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
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