the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
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He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
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