Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
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