there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Send us your Text From Last Night!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Loading more great texts...