I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
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