You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
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I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
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