He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
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