Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
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I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We left an ass print on the piano.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just googled if crying burns calories
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
did i walk over a car last night?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
where are you?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now