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Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We left an ass print on the piano.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just googled if crying burns calories
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
did i walk over a car last night?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
where are you?
Hypothermia
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We are two peas in an std pod
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How's work?
Spinning.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
it's like heaven, but drunker
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
two words: eviction party
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
two words...techno handjob
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Its about making memories worth repressing
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I want to walk on stilts...naked
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My room smells like vodka and shame
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
a search helicopter?!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Quick, to the slutcave!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Apparently you make a good broom.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so let's talk penis.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I will die if light touches me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
someone threw a dead crab at me
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
birth control should be required to get into college
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
need another drink. this is the easiest way
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm passing your future prison.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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