Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
vagina is talking i cant
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I understand Curling. That high.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
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