you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
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