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She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
How external is "for external use only"?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I will be naked everywhere
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
you had me at cake vodka
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
As shirtless as possible
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Houston, we have a blender
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So squirting runs in the family.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
There's always time for handjobs
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's never too late to be topless.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
ttyl tear gas
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Houston, we have a squirter
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Semen is not good for contacts.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We just shotgunned beers for America
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It was like getting head from an anaconda
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We had to coat check the pizza.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You're like the curious george of whores
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
where are you?
Hypothermia
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
porn star boner night. come get it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She's the barista slut.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
How's work?
Spinning.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Did I show you my penis last night?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She even gives head with a lisp.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You know i think she's just using me for sex
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
this will be a night to untag.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
a search helicopter?!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
two words...techno handjob
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just found puke in my bra..
she pinky promised me she was 18
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
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