I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's blow job season.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Boobs speak an international language.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Rumble strips road head = magical
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Can I color on your dick again?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I will pee on everything he values.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.