Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
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How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
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