He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
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