it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
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