Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
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