for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
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