she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
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