fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
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K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
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