The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
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