when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
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You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
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