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My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
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