You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Send us your Text From Last Night!
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
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