Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
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