Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
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