You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
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