I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
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