I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
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