Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
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