That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
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