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Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We talked him into tasing himself.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm so fucking centered right now
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's never too late to be topless.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Church boner. Awkwardddd
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she peed on how many people?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
what part of “beer fountain†do you not understand
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I checked into jail on foursquare
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
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