I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
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