I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
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im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
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