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Send us your Text From Last Night!
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
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