The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Loading more great texts...