i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Loading more great texts...