Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
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