She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
the evidence from last night is not good...
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
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