I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
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I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
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