Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The feeling are messing with the penis
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
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