we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
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