He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
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It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
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