Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
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Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
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